202

202

That's the number that's making me cry this morning.  That's the number that I swore I would never go back to.  That's the number that I haven't been since I WAS PREGNANT!!!!  That's the number that is on my scale.

I feel like I've tried every diet.  Weight Watchers was successful about 10 years ago and I even became a lifetime member.  But I fell off the points counting bandwagon and gained it all back-plus some. Last year after the twins were born, I did a combo of WW and My Fitness Pal.  I opted for the 1200 calories a day and either ate to that or my points--usually I had points left over because of vegetables/fruit (some vegetables & fruits are 0 points, but not 0 calories).

I did well with that combo.  Everyone commented on how good I looked.  I joined a gym.  I took up jogging/fast walking and did a 5K.  And then I had some health issues (totally ok) that caused stress. Next thing you know, I was skipping the gym and stress eating.  Lots and lots of food--some healthy in moderate proportions, but I didn't see why I had to stop a just one sandwich.  Although I was sick and disgusted with myself at the end of the second (or third).  So here I am again.  Out of shape, extremely overweight--OBESE if you want to get technical, and bad eating habits once again.

I don't want to be this way.  Really, I don't.  I tried to figure out what I could blame my lack of willpower on, but I couldn't.  Nothing other than myself.  I have a lot of excuses, really I do.  I can come up with a ton!!  But the fact is, I am lazy.  I'd rather sit on the couch than take a walk, I'd rather call for a pizza than cut up vegetables for a salad.

So what am I going to do? Honestly, I don't know.  One income and three kids equal us having to be tight with our money.  So, WW is out--and so is the gym membership (I haven't gone since May, but still paying for it!!)  I'm going to start doing MFP again-maybe the calories will shock some sense into me.  I'm going to meal plan some different foods & not have so many caloric meals. Salads and soups will be good for lunch, plus the kids like the veggie toppings (even if they don't care for lettuce). And a big one--no more alcoholic beverages.  I tend to have a beer a night.  Right now I love the Woodchuck Pumpkin Cider, but those calories can go towards something else--something a little better for me. Previously I had a number that I wanted to lose.  I still do, but I'm not sharing it.  I got mixed reactions from friends about it last time-some were encouraging, some weren't.  And that's all I'll say about that.

I'm not sure if I'm going to write on this again.  I do know that I'm not going to post before and after pictures.  I don't love myself enough to do that.  You can imagine me in my XL top and size 16 pants (that still create a muffin top, but I can't bring myself to buy anything larger).



And you may be reading this and thinking if only you were 202 pounds.  Like that would be a big problem.  You may be 302, 402, 502..but it doesn't matter the number.  It's how I feel.  And how I'm not happy this way.