202
That's the number that's making me cry this morning. That's the number that I swore I would never go back to. That's the number that I haven't been since I WAS PREGNANT!!!! That's the number that is on my scale.
I feel like I've tried every diet. Weight Watchers was successful about 10 years ago and I even became a lifetime member. But I fell off the points counting bandwagon and gained it all back-plus some. Last year after the twins were born, I did a combo of WW and My Fitness Pal. I opted for the 1200 calories a day and either ate to that or my points--usually I had points left over because of vegetables/fruit (some vegetables & fruits are 0 points, but not 0 calories).
I did well with that combo. Everyone commented on how good I looked. I joined a gym. I took up jogging/fast walking and did a 5K. And then I had some health issues (totally ok) that caused stress. Next thing you know, I was skipping the gym and stress eating. Lots and lots of food--some healthy in moderate proportions, but I didn't see why I had to stop a just one sandwich. Although I was sick and disgusted with myself at the end of the second (or third). So here I am again. Out of shape, extremely overweight--OBESE if you want to get technical, and bad eating habits once again.
I don't want to be this way. Really, I don't. I tried to figure out what I could blame my lack of willpower on, but I couldn't. Nothing other than myself. I have a lot of excuses, really I do. I can come up with a ton!! But the fact is, I am lazy. I'd rather sit on the couch than take a walk, I'd rather call for a pizza than cut up vegetables for a salad.
So what am I going to do? Honestly, I don't know. One income and three kids equal us having to be tight with our money. So, WW is out--and so is the gym membership (I haven't gone since May, but still paying for it!!) I'm going to start doing MFP again-maybe the calories will shock some sense into me. I'm going to meal plan some different foods & not have so many caloric meals. Salads and soups will be good for lunch, plus the kids like the veggie toppings (even if they don't care for lettuce). And a big one--no more alcoholic beverages. I tend to have a beer a night. Right now I love the Woodchuck Pumpkin Cider, but those calories can go towards something else--something a little better for me. Previously I had a number that I wanted to lose. I still do, but I'm not sharing it. I got mixed reactions from friends about it last time-some were encouraging, some weren't. And that's all I'll say about that.
I'm not sure if I'm going to write on this again. I do know that I'm not going to post before and after pictures. I don't love myself enough to do that. You can imagine me in my XL top and size 16 pants (that still create a muffin top, but I can't bring myself to buy anything larger).
And you may be reading this and thinking if only you were 202 pounds. Like that would be a big problem. You may be 302, 402, 502..but it doesn't matter the number. It's how I feel. And how I'm not happy this way.
